Episode 1 |

Finding your Sexual Blueprint for a Hot, Healthy Sex Life with Miss Jaiya

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This Week’s Guest

Jaiya is one of the most progressive and well educated sexual wellness experts. She works with couples and singles to help them overcome intimacy issues, deepening connection and communication, leading to the creation of more fulfilling relationships. Jaiya holds certifications as a Somatic Sexologist, Sexological Bodyworker, and Tantra Teacher. When Random House needed their newest sex expert they sought out Jaiya and she co-authored the book Red Hot Touch: A Head To Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms with her co-teacher Jon Hanauer. Together they also created their best-selling, award winning DVD series by the same title. Jaiya strives to eradicate sexual shame and invites those she works with to explore how much pleasure they can possibly experience.

Finding Your Sexual Blueprint for a Hot, Healthy Sex Life

Today I’m probing the brain of Miss Jaiya, sexologist extraordinaire. I attended her workshop with my fiancée, and was astounded by the deep understanding she has of human sexuality. She knows what people crave, why people crave it, and how to help people create a fully satiating sex life for themselves.

Because I’m sure you’re all dying to dive into this fascinating topic, I asked Jaiya to answer some of the tough questions that we all want to know about having awesome sex. This is a can’t miss episode if you’ve ever wondered what it is that makes someone an awesome lover-and how you can tap into that power yourself. Whether you have a regular sex partner or not, there’s valuable insight to be gleaned by everyone. Some of the tips to look forward to:

  • How to find out the pattern in what your lover wants to completely fulfill their sexual desires.
  • The triple treat-the fingering technique that will drive women crazy.
  • How to reignite passion into your relationship.
  • What a 40 day sex challenge is like.
  • How to feel comfortable admitting your deepest desires to your partner.

Here’s what I learned:

Jaiya Wanted to be Dr. Ruth Growing Up

  • She got into sexology for reasons involving her own healing.
  • SHe told her parents she wanted to study fertility as a cover-up for learning about sex.

We All Have a Sexual Blueprint!

  1. When Jaiya has worked with people’s bodies, she found that there were certain archetypes showing up.
  2. These tune into what turns us on and what attitudes we put forth toward sex.
  3. The energetic loves the tease and anticipation-they are about a sense of safety and boundary.
  4. The sensual is about bringing beauty into the sexual experience.
    • They enjoy a variety of sensory experiences.
    • The environment needs to be just right.
  5. The sexual loves sex erotica, and nudity-not a lot of hangup to their sexuality, very straightforward.
  6. The kinky is turned on by anything taboo to them.
    • There’s the psychological, that is more about the play, the psychological dominance or submission.
    • Impact, which is more about the sensations of something.
  7. The shapeshifter is a combination of all of them-very sexually intelligent.
    • If you want to expand your blueprint to become a better lover, you would want to expand it to this.

With Our Sexual Blueprints Come Sexual Shadows

  1. These are the bad parts that come with the blueprint, and sometimes people get stuck in these bad traits.
  2. Energetic: they short-circuit easily because they are incredibly sensitive.
    • They need to be made feel safe and establish boundaries.
    • They have a tendency to be very judgmental of other sexual blueprints.
    • Sometimes highly sensitive people are energetic.
  3. Sensual: their mind won’t stop chattering.
    • The mind goes on a ramble instead of staying inside the body.
    • They can be too critical of the environment.
    • They might get up to change the music in the middle of sex.
    • There is a lack of spontaneity.
  4. Sexual: too focused on the goal.
  5. They don’t want a lot of complication-they just want to get to it.
  6. They limit the sexual experience to penis inside vagina.
  7. There’s a lot of limiting-“I don’t want to do what it takes to get you off.”
    • Kinky: they are ashamed to be kinky.
    • Jaiya worked with one couple who didn’t find out one spouse was kinky in 40 years of marriage.
    • One route to turn on can be a problem-only aroused when wearing a big, yellow raincoat.
  8. Shapeshifter-they can’t get enough sensation, they can’t get enough touch.
    • Their specific “hunger” changes often.
    • They have “stacks” of what combinations of other blueprints they are, in order of how they experience it (ex. energetic, sexual, sensual, kinky).
    • The stack is also a time progression of what happens through lovemaking.
    • The longer the session, the longer the time they spend in each blueprint.

The 5 Love Languages Can Create Miscommunication

  1. If you keep showing me you love me by doing my laundry, and I show you love through touch, we don’t always understand it.
  2. Men and women think differently-diffuse awareness.
  3. You can expand into blueprints that are less comfortable for you.
    • Jaiya explored kinky with her partner as 40 days of dominant, then 40 days of submissive.
  4. She wrote a book on it called “Tongue-tied and Satisfied”.

Pleasure Wave

  1. This is a sexual technique that allows for waves of arousal.
  2. For levels, abbreviated as “SAAA”.
  3. The first level is stillness.
    • For energetic, hand on the heart, slowly put energy through your hands.
    • Sensual, put your forehead against theirs, or full-body spoon with oil drizzling on you, or feeding them a strawberry gently.
    • For sexual, just cup the genitals and hold it.
    • Kinky, you’ve tied them up and now are leaving them in anticipation.
    • Shapeshifter, any combination of these.
  4. The next level is light arousal.
  5. Energetic, hover your hands all around their body.
  6. Sensual, full hand contour all over their body.
  7. Kinky, light impact or light psychological stuff.
  8. Then, move back to stillness, so it is like a wave of arousal.
  9. Next, move up to second level of arousal.
    • This involves genitals, but does not linger on them.
    • A long stroke up the leg, across the genitals, up to the breasts, down the arms.
    • Then, go down to light arousal, then down to stillness.
    • Work your way up to the third level of arousal.
    • Here, you start focusing on the genitals.
    • Get focused on the clitoris or head of the penis, licking nipples.
    • It is the ultimate tease, getting them closer and closer to climax and then bringing it down.
    • Sometimes climax can come in the stillness state.
    • This is great for energetic and sensual, who need to be warmed up a lot.

Bony Handles

  1. Big bony surfaces on the body like the hips, the back of the head, the shoulders.
  2. These can be held by the sexual partner.
  3. It down-regulates the nervous system, because it makes you feel safe-great for energetics and sensuals.
  4. They do this to calm down cattle.
  5. For kinky’s and sexuals, is great to also up-regulate the nervous system by holding them down and doing a bit of erotic wrestling.

Sex Labs-the Ultimate Sex Geekery

  1. Not sex, more of a scientific experiment.
  2. A/B game-which touch does your partner like best?
    • Make a mark for each one they choose so you know for later sex sessions.
  3. Touch A: running fingers very very lightly over their skin.
  4. Touch B: do a bony hold and hold them down very firmly.
  5. Touch A: oil drizzling over the body, and long, slow strokes with my hands.
  6. Touch B: spanking their butt.
  7. A lab has a duration, and has a hypothesis.
  8. It can give you insight into which blueprint they are.
  9. Look for signs of arousal:
    • Goosebumps
    • Swelling of the genitals

Sex Challenges

  1. Goals you set for your partner with a specific sex theme.
    • Jaiya did 10 days of anal training.
    • She also did 40 days of domination with a different persona each 10 days.
  2. Personas help you branch out into different blueprints.
    • There was one weekend where Jaiya’s partner “owned her” 24/7.

Role Play

  1. Tap into your erotic core.
  2. Think about what you have inside you, how you move and how you speak.
  3. It doesn’t need to be complicated.
  4. There is no need to dress up unless you want to.
  5. Energetics have an easier time with this.
  6. Create a safe space for your partner’s fantasies.
  7. Jaiya wanted to be a courtesan, so her partner dressed up as different characters and came in at any time in a 20 hour span.
  8. Roleplay is great for shapeshifters who are looking for variety.

Adventure Dates

  1. Jaiya set up an epic adventure date for her partner that she wasn’t even on.
  2. She sent her partner a message that said “I own you for the whole weekend”.
  3. She packed him one bag with an ID, some money, some snacks, clothes, and maps.
  4. Then dropped him off at the airport, said he would find out where he is going when he gets inside.
  5. He finds he is going to NY.
  6. He got picked up in a limo after the flight, stayed at a gorgeous hotel.
  7. She controlled his diet, made reservations at restaurants for all of his meals, and the meal was pre-ordered and ready when he arrived.
  8. He had a series of maps that he needed to open at certain times.
  9. Because he did such a good job, she treated him at the end to a dominatrix.
  10. Then, he went home and they relaxed together.
  11. Adventure dates need 3 elements to create passion:
    • Obstacle-Jaiya’s partner needed to surrender control to her mystery plans.
    • Novelty-he tried many new things.
    • Naughtiness-the naughtiness was built in, with a dominatrix and a naughty play he attended.
  12. A simpler one Jaiya made was a private yoga session.
    • Afterwards she made him a delicious meal.
    • Then, gave him some time to himself, but said he must make love to her at 10 pm.
    • You can apply this to engagement proposals.
    • Stephan did this with his fiancé.
    • He looked up what women want in a proposal-surprise, nice looking nails, and photo or video record of the event.

Fingering techniques

  1. Warm the woman up a lot.
  2. Finger and threaten penetration.
  3. Flat handed vulva touch before penetration.
  4. Kinky-tie them up and go for it.
  5. Anchor into the g-spot and then pull in-it has a greater sensation than moving across it.
  6. Triple treat-one finger in a come hither downward motion anchoring into the g-spot, then one after the other moving upward across clitoris.

Monkey Breath

  1. A way to disrupt the thinking brain (great for sensuals stuck in shadow).
  2. Mash up your face, and breath manically.
  3. This is used to get women in labor to get into their body.
  4. Do this for 5 minutes, and you’ll find it gets you inside your body.

Dirty Talk

  1. Do an A/B test with words on your partner.
  2. List them off, have them raise their hand when they are turned on.
  3. Then, use the words later in a sentence.

Oral Sex Techniques

  1. Lick up on clitoral shaft while doing penetration with your fingers.
  2. For men-play with the root of his penis while putting other hand on the end of the shaft and moving your mouth along the shaft as well-move all 3 in unison.

Oming-Orgasmic Meditation

  1. Developed by OneTaste.
  2. Upstroke or downstroke on the upper left quadrant of the clitoris for 15 minutes.
  3. More of a practice than a sex act.
  4. Energetics and sexuals really like this.
  5. The male version works with the head of the penis, it is called Taoist erotic massage.

Ignite Your Passion

  1. Jaiya’s 6-module sex workshop.
  2. It goes through many sex issues.
  3. It includes how to prioritize your sex life more.
  4. How to do sex labs and adventure dates.

Lightning Round

  1. Chinese herbs to boost your libido-he shou woo and eucommia.
  2. Sleeping naked is great, use grounded sheets.
  3. Tantra-know the difference between tantra and tantric sex, tantra is a practice.
  4. Neurotransmitter dominance-we are all dominant in one neurotransmitter-can get it tested in Eric Braverman’s book “Younger, Sexier You”.
  5. Sex after a kid-get an expert to help.

Get Optimized!

  1. Find your blueprint and your partner’s blueprint!
  2. Do an A/B lab to find what sex moves your partner loves.
  3. Incorporate adventure dates into your life to feel more passion with your partner!

Links mentioned in this episode

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

☑ Learn your sexual blueprint by checking out missjaiya.com and completing her quiz.
☑ Do a sex lab! A simple A/B test can be a great way to tune into exactly what your partner desires and start having better sex asap.
☑ Try a pleasure wave for sex that really takes advantage of the appeal of “teasing”
☑ Having trouble shutting off your brain? Do monkey breath for 5 minutes before a sexual experience.
☑ Or, have your partner (or you) try bony handles to feel more comfortable in the sexual experience.
☑ Want to explore a new side of your sexuality? Try a sex challenge of a new style or move!
☑ Achieve a higher level of sensation during oral sex by incorporating both mouth and hands.
☑ Try the hook method to dig into the g-spot for better sensation for fingering a woman.
☑ Try role play to tap into the other sides of your sexuality and move beyond your sexual blueprint more comfortably.
☑ Set up an adventure date for you and your partner (or just your partner!) to start new passion in your relationship.

Transcript

Welcome to another exciting episode of the Optimized Geek, I’m your host Stephan Spencer. I have with us today, Jaiya, who is an incredible, award-winning sexologist. She knows all about sex. She’s really passionate about combining deep love with amazing, hot, juicy sex lives and she’s the author of 4 best selling books. She’s the creator of Ignite Your Passion, which she’ll talk about I’m sure. She’s appeared numerous times on the media. On CNN, on The Doctors, on VH1, on Andersen Cooper – she is just a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to having an amazing, hot, juicy sex life. So I am so happy to have you on this podcast, Jaiya, thanks for joining us!

 

J: Hi, I feel so fortunate to be here. I should also mention that I’m a super sex geek, so I’m all about the Optimized Geek.

 

S: That’s awesome. We’ll be sure to talk about new ways to create techniques and styles and sex labs and adventure dates and some of the stuff you teach. We’ll definitely get to those topics. But first, if you could just share with our listeners, what’s your story? How did you end up doing a deep dive into sex?

 

J: Well I often joke that it started in the bushes with “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours”, but I’d say a lot of my journey as a healer, “heal thyself” healer – you have something you need to heal from, and then you become a healer. First, it was healing my sexual shame, and healing some ailments that were happening in my body with fertility and female stuff going on down there. It turned into healing after a relationship, healing after having a baby and so a lot of it is my personal journey of healing. Sex is a topic that filled all of my needs. So I absolutely was passionate about it from a very young age. One of my teachers said, there are some people who are just gifted at drums, you came in erotically gifted. Although, I will also add to the mastery thing, I have a lot of time and energy into the study of sex, there is this mix of the two. I was fascinated by it. I told all of my friends where babies came from, I wanted to be Dr. Ruth. That was my inspiration when I was younger. I somehow must have seen her. I told my parents I wanted to get into fertility, that was sort of my cover for really wanting to teach people about sex.

 

S: That’s awesome. Well, we met at a Tony Robbins Platinum Partner trip where you were teaching sex techniques and blueprints and all sorts of amazing stuff. That whole Platinum Partner trip was all about sex, intimacy, and relationships. We brought our significant others and we went through this whole experiential process, it was amazing. And one of the great gifts from that was meeting you. So, Tony does this thing of interventions – he’s just masterful at it. He takes someone who is suicidal or has a speech impediment and is stuttering, and right there in front of the whole audience he is able to transform that person in like 45 minutes or something. It is phenomenal. You can do the same thing, you can figure out what a person’s sexual wiring is and how to best ignite their sex drive and it is almost like a forensic analysis on their sex drive. Maybe if you could walk us through what those blueprints are and how we are wired differently.

 

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THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!

Such a fun, insightful episode. I hope you are as thrilled as I am to learn more about having a fulfilling sexual and romantic relationship with my partner. So thankful for Jaiya taking some time to enlighten us with some fascinating insights into the human erotic brain. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it! Until next time on the Optimized Geek, keep living your best life!
-Stephan

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