Episode 72 |

Maintaining Relationships and Health Through Hormones and Behavior with John Gray

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This Week’s Guest:

John Gray needs little introduction, as he’s the author of the bestselling book of the 1990s and, according to USA Today, one of the top 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. If you haven’t already guessed, this remarkable book is Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.


This book is John’s most famous by far, and has been translated into 45 languages in over 100 countries. However, it’s far from his only one; he’s written over 20 books and has a new one, Beyond Mars and Venus, coming out in January 2017. In this episode, he offers a lot of detailed information and advice (particularly for men) about how to best address relationship dynamics, hormone levels, and health.


Find Out More About John Here:

@MarsVenus on Twitter
John Gray Mars Venus on Facebook


In This Episode:

  • [01:57] – What’s the secret sauce to relationship success? In his answer, John illuminates some of the differences between men and women and explores how these can cause problems. He goes on to talk about his forthcoming book Beyond Mars and Venus and explains why he felt it was necessary.
  • [07:42] – In his last answer, John mentioned balance. Here, he discusses how to find balance, with an emphasis on behavioral changes rather than supplements, though he points out that both are necessary. He discusses the role of testosterone and how to keep those levels in balance, as well as exploring the environmental and personal factors that can lead to low testosterone.
  • [16:31] – John talks about how a new relationship can be an exception to general rules about comparative hormone levels. He also talks about how internet sex differs from real, in-person relationships.
  • [18:15] – Stephan and John discuss the concept of “fake it ‘til you make it” in the context of testosterone production and being an alpha male.
  • [19:31] – Body positions can help create testosterone, John tells us. He then explains that getting rid of estrogen in your body is even more important, and offers some methods to do this.
  • [21:01] – John walks us through what often happens in an early relationship and how the difference between men and women can lead to issues in the relationship (as well as a reduction in the man’s testosterone). He also discusses the importance of expending energy on your work, not just your relationship.
  • [25:52] – We hear some more behavioral things that can help men regain the masculinity that many are losing. John also explores the differences between historical anger and today’s anger, as well as how men should cope with negative feelings and defensiveness. He then talks about the importance of maintaining a certain kind of detachment.
  • [34:37] – John discusses the importance of being a rock. He points out that it’s okay for men to cry when big things happen, but points out that small things shouldn’t lead to fear or tears, as those reactions are results of high estrogen. He goes on to emphasize the importance of analysis in strengthening masculinity.
  • [41:19] – In response to what John has been saying, Stephan recommends a past Optimized Geek episode with Byron Katie.
  • [41:54] – John offers his own thoughts on Byron Katie’s work, and gives more advice on how to apply what he’s been saying to create better relationships. He points out the need for women to be sensitive, and explores how this leads to her having better orgasms (which are best when she’s ovulating because that’s when her estrogen levels are highest, he says).
  • [45:02] – John returns to the topic of nutritional supplementation.He then recommends his new book, Beyond Mars and Venus, before going on to suggest taking (small) doses of lithium.
  • [49:03] – John has created two different superfood shakes: one for men and one for women. He talks about what else is in his shake, and why it’s effective.
  • [52:43] – One of John’s daughters, Lauren Gray, offers tips for women and is featured on John’s website at marsvenus.com.
  • [53:17] – John discusses how bad statins are for men’s health, and talks about other prescription medications and their issues.
  • [56:31] – Stephan takes a moment to point out that the content in the show and these associated notes is not medical advice and you should consult with your doctor.
  • [57:10] – We learn more about gut health, with John recommending Bravo Super Probiotic Yogurt.
  • [57:46] – What is a healthy testosterone level for men? John gives his answer, then goes on to explain why women think men are babies when they’re sick, and potentially even get annoyed by it.


Get Optimized!

  1. Men, get your testosterone levels checked if you’re having relationship problems. When you get close to a woman, your testosterone levels will decrease.
  2. If your testosterone levels are low, work out and get exercise. Get plenty of rest and don’t exercise too much, though, as this can actually lower your testosterone.
  3. Avoid plastic cooking utensils and food containers. These contain xenoestrogens, which the body interprets as estrogens and can lead to lower testosterone production.


Links and Resources:

@MarsVenus on Twitter
John Gray Mars Venus on Facebook
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
Beyond Mars and Venus
Neil Strauss
Conscious Men
Byron Katie
Superfood shake for men
Superfood shake for women
Lauren Gray
Bravo Super Probiotic Yogurt



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